


You Forfeit All Rights To My Heart

by issiefrancis



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angstyyyy, Emotional Manipulation, Established Relationship, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Manipulation, Self-Harm, Semi-Abusive Relationship, erin's anxiety fucks shit up, where is kevin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-19 20:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9459410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/issiefrancis/pseuds/issiefrancis
Summary: Erin and Holtz have been dating for a while, and it's getting hard. Holtzmann needs some space and Erin just doesn't get it.





	1. I am the one thing in life I can control

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty intense at some points but I'll put the relevant trigger warnings in each chapter.

"Time to go, Holtz!" Erin barrels into Holtzmann's lab cheerily. Holtz has her goggles on and a blowtorch and a pair of pliers in one hand.

Holtzmann grits her teeth. She doesn't want this right now. She wants to work all night in the peace of her lab and feel like a tiny speck in the universe. She feels like her own brain is fighting to get out of her skull.

"I'm pretty much balls-deep here." She pulls on a smile. "Might just stay and finish up. See you tomorrow, babe."

"Aww, c'mon." Erin sits up beside her, legs brushing against her. "We were gonna watch _X Files_."

"I know, but I'm super busy and this is going really well. Seriously, this could be a breakthrough. We can watch it tomorrow night?" Holtzmann fights to keep her voice level. She wants to be alone, she wants to feel like she's a person and not a girlfriend.

"Or you could work tomorrow and watch _X Files_ tonight." The pout usually works on Holtz, but it's irritating her tonight. She feels her frustration with life, with her girlfriend, with the unexplainable feelings inside her bubble up.

"Please, Er. I love you," she grits out, feeling sick because it's a lie right now. "But I really just want to work tonight."

Erin pushes. She pushes and pushes, giggling a little, like this is a joke, until Holtzmann feels so trapped she wants to scream. She snaps.

"Erin, I just need some space! I-" Holtzmann presses her fingers over her eyes. "God, I can't spend all of my time with you! I have a life, and I need to have me time, and- _ahhh_!" She can't express how utterly overwhelmed she feels right now. She knows that a few feet away from her, Erin is curling in on herself and wilting from her words, but she honest-to-god feels like she's going to start screaming and never stop if she can't just be alone.

She grits her teeth and mutters, "I'm sorry," before she runs up to the roof, lying starfished on the cool concrete and watching the stars. Hot tears prickle behind her eyelids.

It started out so easy.

***

The problem, Holtzmann thinks, is that Erin _needs_ validation. From the beginning, Holtzmann has wondered if Erin loves her for _her_ , or just because she buoyed Erin up when she was drowning. The first time these thoughts became overwhelming, Holtzmann took off to Abby's for a weekend. Abby filled her glass with a generous helping of wine and sat her down on the couch, looking her firmly in the eye. "Jillian Holtzmann. I have known Erin for way too goddamned long, and what I'm telling you is that she has never, ever, brought herself to date a woman. She's always been bisexual but she has never, ever, been able to get over her whole straight-laced academic thing. She _loves_ you, and that's the single biggest bit of proof I have for you."

Holtzmann drinks down the words and the wine and then they spend the rest of the weekend with their phones switched off, watching movies, tossing ideas around, and enjoying each other's company.

It doesn't occur to Holtzmann until much later that she has effectively stolen Erin's best friend. Granted, Erin walked out of said best friend's life a decade prior, but Holtzmann had filled the void for Abby when no one else was there and now it seems like Abby is almost too cautious to risk getting hurt again. And Patty is nice, but Erin is nervous of people she doesn't know, and they're nowhere near best friendship. Erin doesn't have any support systems.

And then guilt is eating at Holtzmann's veins, because she knows she's just shredded Erin's self-confidence, but she also knows that they're breaking up if something doesn't change.

Holtzmann learned the importance of self-care and healthy relationships a long time ago.

She bites the inside of her lip and then pulls out her phone. She needs space, but Erin needs support. She calls Abby.

"Holtzy? I'm right downstairs, you can just come talk to me."

"Has Erin left?"

"Are you planning another surprise? Holtzmann, I am not cleaning ghost goo off the kitchen windows again because, 'It's a _pun_ , Abigail Yates!'"

"Abby, shut up." She can't deal with this right now. "Erin and I had a fight. Like, a nasty one. She's really upset, but I just- I can't. I don't know where she is, but I think she needs someone. Could you…? I'm sorry, this is a mess."

"Are you okay, Jill?" Abby asks softly.

"It doesn't matter. But, Erin…? Please?"

"Of course. I'll find her. Take care of yourself, Holtzy." 

***

Erin flees the scene. Her girlfriend's words pound through her veins. The worst is the creeping, intrusive thoughts that maybe this is _how she's felt all along_ and _she never really loved you_. Every time she held Erin together, been her pillar of support, her cheerleader, never letting an unkind word come between them, always reassuring her, it meant nothing?

Erin sees it all in a new light, lit by Holtzmann's frustrated explosion. She rewinds all the times her girlfriend has been there for her, contrasting them to the rare, rare occasions that Holtzmann has needed her.

Erin's never weathered anything for Holtzmann, if she thinks about it. A few frustrated outbursts when she couldn't quite get something right in the lab. Once, a hefty crying session about her mom. Once, a solid week of grumpiness and PMS, but that was about it. On the other hand, Erin's had nigh on hundreds of panic attacks ranging from mild to anaphylactic, and Holtzmann has talked her down from every one, held her, stroked her hair back. She's had crying fits about her parents, about academia, about not being able to open the goddamned cereal box. For at least two days of every month she's an absolutely crabby bitch, and Holtzmann has never wavered throughout any of it.

Early on, after a particularly nasty panic attack, she remembers a serious talk about healthy relationships and support systems. Holtzmann had trod carefully around the issue, just saying that Erin's health was important to her, and she wanted to know when they were ever fighting, Erin would have someone to lean on and give her perspective. Erin remembers shaking her head and saying, "Holtz, we're never going to fight seriously, c'mon."

"Erin, I'm serious! I love you and I'm never going to leave you, but every relationship has shitty patches."

Erin just shrugged and rolled over to sleep.

***

Abby hails a cab, gives the driver Erin's address and sits back. Holtzmann sounded _bad_. She digs out her phone and calls Patty, who had taken the day to go to the library and research. "Patty, babycakes, are you busy?"

"Depends what you want me to do."

"Erin and Holtzy had a fight. Holtz is really upset. Do you wanna go home and check on her?"

"Holtzy's a big girl, she'll be fine. I'm about to head home so I'll get us some dinner, though."

"Patty, this is serious."

"And so am I. Erin has been fucking with Holtzy since the day they started dating. This might be the wake-up call Holtz needs."

Abby is silent. It's true. "Okay. You do you. See you tomorrow, probably?"

"Bye, Abs."

***

Holtzmann remembers the conversation all too well. This was back when she had first started to feel that suffocating, dying feeling that was dragging her down now. Abby knew. Abby had always known.

"Holtz, Erin's… intense in relationships. You gotta talk to her, remind her that you're not her whole world. That she does need other people. She hasn't even been making an effort with Patty since you guys started dating, and Patty's upset." Abby, ever the straight-talking interventionist, perched on Holtzmann's stool and stared her down.

That night, Erin had an _awful_ panic attack, and Holtzmann sat with her throughout, getting her to breathe and tell her about things she could see and smell and touch, until she said, "Five things you can feel," and Erin responded, "Us." After that, they watched a movie, and Erin talked out her worries with Holtzmann, and right before they fell asleep, Holtzmann finally managed to get out the words that had been rolling around inside her like boulders since her talk with Abby.

"Er, I'm worried about you. Like, I love you, but what happens if I'm away and you get freaked? What if we fight and you need someone to talk to? You're so, so important to me and I want to know you have support systems."

Erin had dismissed it out of hand, and even though that stung like a bitch, Holtzmann curated her face and said neutrally, "Okay." She offered Abby a wry head-shake when she questioned the next morning and wouldn't elaborate.

Maybe that was the beginning of the end. At first, it had been cute to have Erin trust her so much, but now she just felt overwhelmed. She was a nuclear engineer with autism, for christ's sake, not a natural-born psychologist.

And it wasn't that Erin didn't respect her boundaries, because she did. She went out of her way to learn them, and added safe words so that Holtzmann could say if she was uncomfortable without having to explain, and always ask before touching, and listened to her talk about things that fascinated her, asking questions that showed that she was really listening and caring. At home, where Holtzmann's bravado dropped away and she became a quieter, less aggressive self, Erin took it in her stride. It was more like Erin expected the world from Holtz without believing she could give back. _Or even trying_. Whenever Holtzmann tried to bring up serious relationship talk, Erin took it as criticism and it turned into a fight. Eventually, she just stopped trying to talk about it and battened down her feelings in order to care for Erin.

But she can only hold it together for so long without breaking.


	2. And when push comes to shove

At home, Erin curls into a ball on the sofa and sobs. Great, harsh, ugly sobs that leave her gasping for breath and clutching a blanket between her hands to stop her from floating away. Her brain can't stop thinking about it, replaying scenes from every part of their relationship where she might have burdened Holtz, and especially the last hour. The only thing she can think of to make herself feel better is to hurt herself. Or be with Holtz. But neither of those are on the table right now.

She _knows_ this obsessive thinking is unproductive and she should distract herself, she _knows_ she should use some techniques to recover, but she can't remember anything. It's like grasping at clouds in her mind. Distantly, she thinks about calling Abby, but then dismisses the idea, imagining how badly she's burned that bridge.

 _Shit shit shit shit-_ The door opens. She whips her head around. It's got to be Holtzmann. _Please please please._ She wants to talk, to spill everything in her head out and fix whatever's gone wrong, make herself feel better. Holtz always makes her feel better.

It's Abby. Sweet, sweet Abby.

"Erin Gilbert." Abby plops onto the sofa and envelopes her best friend in a tight hug. "What have you gone and done now?"

Erin puts her head in her hands, lip trembling, and accepts the pro-offered tissues. "Holtz is angry at me."

"No _shit_ , Er." Abby rolls her eyes, never one for the soft and gentle approach.

"I just… I…" Erin can't explain. She flops back onto the sofa instead.

Abby pulls Erin's head onto her lap and strokes her friend's hair. "Come on, deep breaths. Let's talk about it."

Erin wipes the tears off her face. "She's just – she's never like this. I've done something awful. I don't even know what I did."

"I would imagine it's not just one thing, Erin." Abby dabs around her friend's cheek with a tissue.

"What multiple fuck-ups have I made then?" Erin's defensive. "She never said anything…"

"Holtzmann isn't exactly the pin-up girl of communication, Er."

"But we talk about stuff!" Erin pouts.

Abby huffs. "Okay, Erin, I'm going to get real here. Not to say that Holtzmann wasn't out of line before, but you need to sort your shit out. She cares about you so much: she called me to go find you because she was worried about you-"

It's exactly the wrong thing to say.

Erin immediately sits upright. "Oh great, so you're only here because of Holtz? How naïve of me to think that any of you give a fuck about me for anything other than being her girlfriend." She's irrationally angry about the whole situation and she needs to lash out at someone. She feels unloved and undervalued and she's never been good at that.  

"Erin!" Abby groans. "Listen to me. I know you're just lashing out, okay? I _know_ you. I care about you just as much as I care about Holtz, and I care about you because you're my _best friend_. That should be obvious. I know you're hurt and angry, and it's valid, but Holtz has a bit of a point muddled up in there, too."

Erin, deflating, nods. "I'm sorry, Abs. It's just everything getting to me."

"I'm always here for you, Er. C'mon, take a deep breath and we'll talk about this properly. Think you can do that?"

***

"Holtzmann, no." Patty tugs the half-empty bottle of whiskey from her friend's grasp. "C'mon, talk to Aunt Patty."

Despite her conversation with Abby, Patty is looking out for Holtzmann. ("We can tag-team it and switch tomorrow if you want," Abby had texted her. "No fucking way, this shit is Erin's fault," was her response).

Holtzmann pouts and makes grabby hands at the whiskey.

"No." Patty reaches up to the top of the fridge and puts it there, well aware that Holtzmann's 5'2" won't be able to get it. "Have some food and tell me what's wrong."

"Erin." Holtzmann says flatly, not particularly drunk at all. The bottle was already a quarter gone when she started. She sips from the offered glass of water and stares into its depths.

"What happened?" Patty sits beside Holtz, and when no answer is forthcoming, she prompts her. "I know you've been spending a lot of time together."

"Yeah," Holtzmann agrees. There's a weight of feelings behind the word that Patty picks up on.

"Feeling a little overwhelmed?" Patty stretches out a hand, gesturing for permission to hug her. Holtzmann snuggles against Patty's side, nodding slowly.

"I just… I love Erin, man, but it's just hard being her everything. I need to be _me_ again." Holtzmann sniffles a little.

"Holtzy, it's not your fault. This whole thing is unhealthy and I know it's been bringing you down," Patty reassures her. "I think you guys need to have a proper talk about your relationship. I know you got shit goin' on up here, she's not the only one who needs support." Patty taps Holtz's forehead gently, wrapping an arm around her tiny friend.

"I just feel so _guilty_. I know she's crying and I know it's my fault and I should be with her but, fuck, I just want to get drunk and build something. I'm so tired. I'm so _tired,_ Patty."

Patty goes from concerned to alarmed in the space of two seconds. "No drunk building. Something else that will cheer you up?"

Holtzmann waves a hand. "Anything. I don't _know_. I just feel like I've been sucked into this big vacuum of being _Erin's girlfriend_ and I want to be _Holtzmann_ again. Or even _Jillian_ at this point. Anything. I just _need_ to…" She deflates against the couch.

"Ah, Holtzy." Patty nods sagely, hugging her small friend close. "Baby, you need a break. You got some friends you can stay with? Disappear for a few days."

Holtzmann is silent for almost a minute. Patty knows she needs time to think it through, so she stays quiet.

"Actually, yes. Freddie won't mind having an extra hand at the bar." Holtzmann seems to make a split-second decision. "You can call or text me if you need me?"

Patty nods. "Do you want to hear from Erin?"

Holtzmann shakes her head. "But I'm not breaking up with her." _Yet_ , Patty knows, is conditional.

"Okay. I'll tell her that if she's upset."

"Oh, she's gonna be upset."

Heavy silence falls on both of them.

"Hey, Patty? Would you mind doing me a huge favour?"

Patty shrugs. "Depends."

"My stuff's at our apartment, and I really don't want to go back… would you mind going to get me some clean clothes and that?"

"You gonna owe me big-time. I don't wanna walk into that mess."

"I know." Holtzmann shrugs. "I mean, you don't have to…"

"Where are you going, so I can bring them over?"

"Freddie's. It's my friend's bar. I'll text you the address?"

Patty waves her off. "Have a good time, Holtzy. Take care of yourself."

They greet her with open arms, saying that yes of course she stay, they've still got that spare room and they would love to have someone help out for the next couple of days. To Holtzmann's undying gratitude, they don't ask why she needs a place to stay, just show her to her room and tell her that if she could come down at nine that would be fantastic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's just more angst. You know the drill. A warning for Erin thinking about self-harming in the first two paragraphs


	3. Isn't this enough?

"What can we do to help you?" Abby asks gently, knowing that Erin doesn't mean to manipulate Holtz, that her anxiety truly is making it difficult for her to see boundaries.

Not answering the question in the slightest, Erin responds, "Holtzmann is like… the picture-perfect girlfriend. She has never once made me feel bad about my anxiety or patronised me or even really gotten grumpy with me, apart from stupid shit like not doing the dishes or, like, when she has her period. I mean, no way in hell do I deserve her. And I would give her the world, if I could it's just… I'm me."

Abby wants to throw something at the wall. "Erin. Do you want to make this work with Holtz? Because you can say no. You can tell me that you don't want to date her anymore and I'll support you." Abby stares her best friend down. "We'll get through it. But we gotta start somewhere." Time to lay it on thick.

"Yes. She's the best thing that ever happened to me," Erin says decisively.

"Good. You need to sort your shit out, because she loves you to the moon and back." Decisive is the way to go.

"I'm fucked up, Abby."

"Er, don't talk about yourself like that. Yes, you have mental health issues. So does Holtz, Jesus Christ. If you want to make it okay with her, you have to make it okay with yourself." And with these profound words, Abby plucks up her phone and calls her therapist's office and makes an appointment.

Ignoring Erin's frantic head-shaking and pleas to _tell me what the hell you're doing, Abigail Yates_ , she calls in a favour and schedules it for tomorrow.

"Abigail Yates!" Erin is halfway between sobbing with anxiety and yelling with anger.

"Erin, breathe. Count to ten. Hold on." Abby nips to the bathroom, comes back with Erin's anti-anxiety pills, shakes one into her hand. Erin gulps it down, visibly shaking. Abby doesn't feel too guilty. Since Erin hasn't kicked her out yet, they should be fine. Their old rapport was still there somewhere. And this will be good in the long run. "Tomorrow, we're going to go and see a therapist. Right now, we're going to calm down and watch a movie."

Erin nods, straightening up. She wipes her tears away, pulls the blanket over herself, and lets Abby choose the movie.

Barely fifteen minutes later, they're interrupted by Abby's phone ringing. "It's Patty, might be a ghost emergency," Abby says. "Hold up." She answers the phone, pausing the movie with the other hand. "Oh. Shit, is she okay?"

Erin can hear the loud _no_ that resonates near Abby's ear.

"What happened?" Erin says desperately, tapping Abby's shoulder.

Abby shushes her, then tells her Erin's address. "Okay, see you soon."

"Abby!"

"Patty's coming to get Holtz's stuff." Realizing how that sounds, Abby shakes her head quickly. She's not fast enough. Erin's blubbering again, head tucked into Abby's shoulder. "Not like that! She's just gonna stay with a friend for a couple days to sort herself out."

"But why can't she just come here?" Erin's voice breaks. Abby is frustrated by her inability to see Holtz's perspective, but bites her tongue. She knows Erin's not trying to be self-centred, she's just truly having a difficult time.

Despite her restraint, Abby still rolls her eyes at Erin. "Erin, did you listen to anything she said?"

"She hates me!" Erin rubs her face, still messy with tears.

"She didn't say that. Erin, this is what you gotta fix! She just wanted some space. She didn't break up with you. She didn't even threaten to break up with you."

Erin just cries harder. Abby sighs and rubs her back. 

***

"Hey, girls!" Patty flings open the apartment door. "How's it going?" She drops the act when she sees both of them hugging under Erin's comforter.

"Does Holtz hate me?" Erin blubbers from the cocoon.

Patty shares a look with Abby.

"No, baby, 'course not. She just wants a bit of perspective, she's staying with Freddie-" Patty stops short.

"Freddie?"

"I'm not telling you anything else," Patty says severely. "Chin up, Er. This will be all fixed soon." She disappears into the bedroom.

"Freddie?" Erin asks again, directing her gaze to Abby.

"An old friend. Runs a bar. She's not cheating on you, relax." Abby lightly bats Erin's arm, walking the knife-edge between enabling self-destructive behaviour and staving off a panic attack.

When Patty returns, she sits opposite Erin in one of the armchairs. "Erin, don't worry, baby, this is all gonna be fixed soon. Holtzy just needs a little time out. And you gotta get that head screwed on right. You've been off lately."

"We're gonna go see a therapist tomorrow!" Abby announces happily, kissing the side of Erin's head.

"Yeah," Erin agrees softly.

"That's fantastic!" Patty reaches out and envelopes Erin's hand in her warm one. "You're going to be fine. I know."

Then Patty leaves with a wave, a smile, and all of Holtzmann's stuff.  

***

Erin's still beating herself up the next day. She doesn't deserve all this loving support. She's been an emotional succubus to Holtz, she's been an awful best friend to Abby, and she hasn't been anything at all to Patty because she's been too caught up in her own shit. But still, Abby is standing beside her, holding her hand as they walk, together, into the therapist's office. And this morning, she told her everything about what to expect in careful detail to abate Erin's anxiety.

"Ready?" she checks. Erin nods. They sit in a waiting room for a few minutes, until a cheerful woman emerges and waves them in. Abby squeezes her hand.

Inside, the therapist – Amelia – talks to Abby for a few moments, then turns to Erin. "Now, Erin, you're welcome to keep Abby with you for support, or you can ask her to leave if you would prefer to speak to me alone. Up to you. Abby won't mind, right?"

Abby shakes her head. "Up to you, Er."

Erin panics for a moment, then breathes deep. "Stay."

"Good. Now, you have a history of anxiety?"

"Yeah." Erin nods.

"Tell me about that." Amelia leaves it open, so Erin gives her a quick overview from her ghostly trauma at age eight to her adult inability to hold down a healthy relationship, which of course ends in a conversation about Holtzmann. Erin is uncomfortable talking about it – when she lays it out loud, it feels silly. Like she's blowing it out of proportion, like she should just tamp down her feelings. She says so.

Amelia, staring her down, says, "I think this is all very important. What I'm getting from this is that you're having some trouble adjusting to a relationship? And this relationship has been very reassuring for you, but your partner's needs aren't being met. We can work on that."

Erin buries her face in her hands.

Abby takes over. "Sounds pretty accurate from where I'm sitting."

Erin groans. She hates feeling like she's in the wrong. Amelia notes something down.

"Okay, Erin. I'm thinking we need to do a few things here. First of all, we need to get your anxiety to a manageable level. Your medication is helping, but you're still having intrusive thoughts. I think we need to start some more holistic methods." Erin nods. "Meditation, I think. I've got some info you can read through. Check it out and find a few different things you'd like to try." Amelia plucks several pamphlets from behind her and makes a pile. "And then we need to work on the relationship. I'll put in some reading about healthy relationships and some techniques around communication. I'd like you to come back with a written list of ways you can meet your partner's needs while still maintaining your own mental health." She goes over a few of the things in the pamphlets and suggests a brief time-out from the relationship.

Erin nods hesitantly. Abby jumps in. "That's being enforced at the moment – Holtzmann's temporarily moved out."

Amelia nods. "That's probably for the best, even if it doesn't feel like it. Abby, tell Holtzmann that she – right pronoun?" At Abby's nod, she continues. "Tell Holtzmann that she can make an appointment to see me too if she'd like. And make a follow-up appointment with the receptionist on your way out. Nice to meet you, Erin." She shakes Erin's hand firmly and waves them out. They arrange a meeting in two days, and Abby escorts Erin outside.

"That was pretty good, huh?" Abby smiles softly at her friend. Erin's overwhelmed. She manages a tight nod, and catches Abby's eye. Abby knows. "Time to go home, huh?"

She flags down a cab and Erin collapses on the seat.

"Anyway, I'll cook dinner-"

"I just need to be alone, Abby!" Erin whisper-yells at her friend. Abby has been the best freaking friend she could have asked for, but she really needs to just be alone and think about all of this. And she's angry; not at Abby, but at herself, for being such a fuck-up, for ruining it with Holtzmann, for everything.

"Hey, Erin, calm down. I'm not forcing you to have me stay, I just wanted to know you'll be okay. You're sure?" Abby takes deep breaths, watching Erin for signs that she's lying.

"Honestly. I'll be alright. I'm just going to go to bed and sleep. Maybe read a little."

She waves to Abby as the cab drives away.

She hadn't meant to lie, but the second she walks into the apartment the lingering smell of Holtzmann hits her, and she needs to escape. She climbs onto the bench and finds a bottle of gin and pours herself an ample measure. And goes to town. The bottle is almost gone by the time she remembers what Patty said earlier – _Freddie's_. Freddie's. Erin is sober enough to know this is a bad idea, but drunk enough to find the address with a bit of canny googling. Drunk enough to gulp the last sip of gin. Drunk enough to hail a cab and stutter out the address.

She gets out outside the bar and has to gather her courage, over and over again until she finally steps up to the door and inside, getting waved through by the bouncer. She doesn't have a clear plan, but she doesn't need one. The bar is lit clearly; she can see Holtzmann pouring drinks, accepting money left right and centre, a whirlwind of activity. She steels herself and marches straight up to the bar.

Just in time to witness her worst nightmare.


	4. In the eye of the hurricane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for self harm thoughts in the three paragraph scene after Erin storms out.

Holtzmann is serving at the bar like a tornado. Angry. Fast. A lot of spinning. It takes her all of ten minutes get her rhythm back. She nods at the cute girl opposite the bar and shakes a measure of vodka over the ice for her drink.

"This one's on the house!" she grins, winking as she splashes cranberry juice into the glass. The girl is obviously interested, leaning over the bar.

"Thanks," the girl grins, taking the drink but not moving. "When do you finish?"

"Whenever!" Holtzmann calls back, replacing the vodka and tugging down a bottle of something else as she continues to serve – a sweaty man in need of shots. She pours four in a row without looking, still checking out the girl. Her eyes rake down her figure and the girl winks.

"Well…when you've got a minute, come find me." Holtz winks at the girl again, and then turns to the next in line.

 _Uh oh_.

"Erin."

"What the fuck, Holtzmann?" Erin slaps her hand flat on the bar.  

She's drunk. Holtzmann considers waving down the bouncer, but she's a big girl. _Holtzy can handle it._ She tries to bring herself to apologise – it was sort of crossing a line, and she knows that, but anger bubbles up inside her. "Oh my god, I ask for some space so you _follow_ me to my _work_? I hate to break it to you, but this is getting creepy."

Erin's face crumples. "I just…"

And now she's crying, and Holtzmann almost wants to comfort her, but can't quite bring herself to do it. She pushes away the anger and tries to sound level. "Erin, I thought I was pretty clear about wanting some space. This is crossing a line."

"Fine. _Fine_ ," Erin hisses, storming out of the bar.

"You okay, Holtz?" Freddie calls from the other end of the bar.

"Just a pissed off ex," Holtzmann responds, a fake grin lighting her face as she takes the next order, screaming inside. It takes all her willpower not to raise the bottle of vodka in her hand and chug from it instead of pouring a shot for her next customer.

***

Erin stumbles home, half-crying, half-angry, one hundred percent drunk. She crawls into bed, hands clutching at Holtzmann's pillow, sobbing into it. She hates herself. She hates Holtzmann. For the first time, she lets herself admit it. She hates her girlfriend for flaking out on her at the last minute. She hates… _shut up, Erin. Stop being such a bitch._

Maybe Holtzmann just doesn't love her at all any more. That would explain everything. Her thoughts get darker and darker, until the only thing she can think of to do is to harm herself. She grits her teeth and tries to ignore it, but eventually it gets the better of her.

She settles for scraping her nails over her arm until she falls asleep.

***

The bar is flooded with light, and it's almost empty. Only Holtz and Freddie are there, cleaning up. Holtzmann has a throbbing stress headache as she scrubs the bar. She pauses for just a second to rub her temples, and catches a look from Freddie.

"She wasn't an ex, was she?" Freddie asks carefully, dipping their mop in the bucket.

Holtzmann shakes her head. "Girlfriend, present tense."

"You guys had a fight?"

"Guess you could call it that. It's kind of a lot of ongoing stuff." Holtz shrugs, going back to scrubbing with a vengeance.

"I see." Freddie swipes the mop at the spilled drinks on the floor. Their voice is careful, but Holtzmann wants to talk.

"The stupid thing is, I feel guilty. She ignored a shit-ton of boundaries _after_ our fight. And all I want to do is go home and make sure she's okay."

Freddie puts down the mop and pats her arm. "Maybe you should go home, Holtz."

"I can't, I don't want to fall back into this horrible pattern. It's eating me up, Freddie." Holtz is stricken, briefly, before getting herself under control. "No."

"You could talk about it tomorrow." Freddie tilts their head. "I know you're going to be stewing all night if you stay here."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right." Holtzmann nods. "Okay. I'll go home."

She arrives at five am and curls up on the couch under a blanket. There's no sign of life from the bedroom, so she guesses she hasn't woken Erin up. Despite her whirling thoughts, she falls asleep almost immediately, physically and emotionally exhausted.

***

Erin's morning after is tragic. She wakes up with her head pounding and her stomach churning. She stumbles to the bathroom, gulps water from the tap, then collapses to the ground when her legs wobble and the light gets too bright.

"Here." Holtzmann opens the door. She holds out a glass of ginger ale and some aspirin. "Bad hangover? You were pretty drunk, huh?"

Erin's head jerks up in shock. "Holtz?"

"I… wanted to come home. Talk to you. But that can wait." Holtzmann sits beside her, forcing her to take the pills. Erin sits in petulant silence for a moment, then accepts the olive branch, washing it down with the ginger ale.

"Thank you."

"It's okay."

A long pause. Erin leans back against the counter, wincing when her head touches the cool metal.

"I'd rather not do this on a bathroom floor. Mind if we move?" Holtzmann finally says.

"We can move, but can I sleep more before we do this?" Erin's mouth trembles.

"Of course. Need help?"

Erin nods, eyes gritty, legs shaky. Holtzmann offers her a hand and helps her back to bed. Erin's hand clings a second too long to Holtzmann's, before Holtzmann lets go to pulls the blankets over themselves. They lie together under the covers, not touching, just breathing.

"Talk to me, Holtz," Erin whispers, finally.

"In general or about us?"

"Us." Erin rolls over. "I just want to go back to normal. I miss you." She's a little teary.

"Er-" Holtzmann swallows visibly. "I miss you too. But we can't keep going on like this. I love you so much, god knows I love you, Er, but I need stuff too. I'm always going to be here for you, I swear, but I gotta… have space and support and shit, ya know? And you have to respect my boundaries."

"I know," Erin cries. "I know. I'm just a mess. But I'm going to fix it up, I swear. Just, don't hate me, Holtz. Please."

"I could never," she murmurs, sliding closer.

Erin cuddles up to her. "I love you."

"I love you too."

***

Erin falls back asleep. Holtz lies awake. She lets a few tears escape, the tension leaving her shoulders. She wants them to be okay, like they were in the beginning. Maybe they can really manage it this time. She wants desperately just to pour out her feelings to Erin and smooth out all this drama.

She rolls over and tries to sleep.

She must succeed at some point, because when she wakes up, it's almost two in the afternoon, and it sounds like Erin's in the lounge. She rolls over and heads to the bathroom. Once she's freshened up, she joins her girlfriend.

"How are you feeling?"

"Hungover," Erin pouts.

"You don't say," Holtz says dryly. "You okay if I go?"

"What? Where?" Erin puts a finger in her book and looks at Holtzmann properly, brow furrowing.

"Back to work. I told them I'd be there tonight. I'll be back in the morning, okay?"

"Oh…" Erin seems to shrink. Holtzmann watches her working over what to say.

"I can stay for a little while, but I do have to go sppn. What's up?" She sits on the other side of the couch.

"I… _Shit_." Erin pinches the bridge of her nose. "I just. I wanted to talk things out properly. Show you how I was going to make it up to you."

"Oh." Holtz smiles, relieved that it's nothing serious. "Yeah, me too. But it's okay, Er. I know you're going to try harder. We can talk tomorrow. Then we'll have the whole day. Maybe we can make some lists."

Erin doesn't respond, but line of mouth and shoulders makes it clear that she's angry. _Shit_. Zero to one hundred in ten seconds. There's nothing she can talk about now without setting off some sort of argument. It's like walking on eggshells. Holtzmann fights back the urge to throw something at the wall.

"Erin, c'mon. We're adults, we can wait." Holtzmann realises it's exactly the wrong thing to say the second it's out of her mouth. She's really done it now. It sets off all of Erin's anxieties and she lashes out.

"So now I'm being _childish_. God, I'm just trying to have a conversation with you about our relationship."

"I… what? Holtz squeezes her eyes shut. She feels guilty all of a sudden, but shoves it back in favour of the anger that materializes at being manipulated. "This is what I mean. Stop trying to manipulate me. I'm a real person, Erin." Holtz feels thick in the throat.

"I'm _trying,_ Jill!"

"No, you're not. You don't want to be reasonable in the _slightest_." Holtzmann knows she's being antagonistic, but she can't stop herself. "Listen to yourself."

It's cathartic.

For all of five seconds, before the guilt digs its claws in.

"Fuck you, Holtz! I just want a little bit of support." Here come the tears.

"Gah! Stop guilt-tripping me for being my own person. I need some goddamn space. I'm going."

Holtz leaves without looking back. She ignores the throaty sobs following her, although it tears her apart.

***

"Didn't go well, huh?" Freddie asks. They hold out a glass of whisky and Holtzmann accepts. "Need to talk?"

Holtzmann takes a fortifying sip. "Please. I need to know I'm not crazy."

Freddie's mouth quirks.

"Shut up," Holtz responds to the unsaid joke. And then she explains the situation.

"You're not crazy. This is emotionally abusive," they say flatly. "I want to say break up with her."

"It's not her fault. I know it's not her fault. It's just… the anxiety."

Freddie raises an eyebrow. "That's not an excuse."

"I know! It just… makes it harder for me to draw clear lines." Holtzmann groans and downs the rest of the vodka.

"The hard line is, your relationship needs to be healthy."

"I know," Holtzmann groans. "It's just all tangled up in my head."

Freddie tilts their head. "You could write some things down. That helps me when I'm having trouble communicating."

Holtzmann considers and then nods. Freddie slides her a notebook and pen and Holtz begins to write.

"What do I write? This feels so stupid." She bites the pen.

"Don't do that." Freddie mock-frowns. "What do you need?"

"Hmm." Holtzmann nods, then begins to write. Freddie gets up to tidy up the cupboards. They work in peaceful silence, until Freddie breaks it to ask if Holtz will be staying longer.

She gladly accepts Freddie's offer, thankful that she doesn't have to go back to her and Erin's apartment before she's ready.

After another night at the bar, she goes up to her room to go to sleep. She's anticipating a quick face-wash and then bed. Her feet are aching from her night of quick serving.  

She's surprised when the grief hits her. She thought she was angry, and righteous, and guilty, but not sad. Not missing Erin. But she is.

She curls into a ball and sobs. The start of their relationship had been so good. She remembers the fluttery feeling in her tummy. Erin's bright eyes when she showed her a new ghost-hunting toy. Erin's nervous stutter when she asked her on a date. The way Erin would rub her back after a long day and kiss the nape of her neck until she fell asleep.

She cries herself to sleep and doesn't wake up until five pm the next day.

***

Holtzmann doesn't come home. Erin stews over it for a whole day before she rings Patty. "Hey, Patty."

"Erin? What's up?"

"It's just, um, Holtz. She came home yesterday, we kinda fought a bit, it's complicated, and I thought she was coming home this morning but she hasn't. I don't want to be stalker-y or anything…" Erin's voice stutters a little. "It's just, I'm a little worried. Can you make sure she's okay?"

"'Course." Patty sighs. "Are you okay, Er? Do you want me to come over?"

Erin shrugs, then remembers she's on the phone. "I'm okay."

"I'll come over."

The doorbell rings out not half an hour later. "Hey!" Patty shuts the door behind herself.

"Is that food?" Erin squints at the unlabelled paper bag in Patty's hand.

"That's food," Patty confirms. "How ya going?"

Erin shrugs. It conveys the complexity of the situation.

"Holtz is okay. She just needed some space. Abby said she wanted you both at work on Monday, though." Erin blinks. She'd sort of forgotten about working with Holtz in the midst of all the drama. Eyeing her, Patty adds, "And she's right, we have a job to do. Jennifer's already getting tetchy about the paperwork."

"Jennifer," Erin sighs, thinking of the mayor's assistant. " _Jennifer_."

"Jennifer. I think she keeps the mail system running all by herself." Patty agrees. "How's the therapy going?"

"I… actually, I have 'homework'-" Erin uses air-quotes and rolls her eyes, "-to do. Wanna help?"

"Sure thing, baby girl." Patty settles on the couch after getting plates and cutlery from the kitchen, and Erin brings back the pamphlets.

"I have to write down some ways to make things healthier between Holtz and I."

Patty raises an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"Better listening from me."

"Good," Patty says. "What about, like, trying to fact-check your emotions? Like when you were upset because she hated you, even though she never said that. Maybe you could do a mental for and against list."

Erin smiles. "That's smart. Have you been thinking about this?"

"Maybe a little," Patty admits. "I want you guys to be okay. We're the _Ghostbusters_ , and we need both of you at the top of your game."

"I guess so. Okay, what do you think about this pamphlet?" Erin pulls one off the top of the pile.

Patty scans the white, heterosexual couple on the front. "Man, ain't no couples be looking like this except in magazines and stock photos!"

Erin giggles.

"I mean, look at this shit. He's got his eyebrows filled in. That man ain't interested in women, that's for sure."

"That's so – stereotypical-" Erin manages between gasps of laughter.

"Good to see you laughing again, baby," Patty says, patting her friend's shoulder. "Here, look at this one…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally turned on sticky keys while trying to write this note, fuck my life. Hope you enjoyed, leave a comment, etc, etc, :*


	5. I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for explicit self harm scenes for a majority of this chapter. You can probably read the first paragraph but beyond that it's pretty bad. See end notes for a TL;DR.

Holtzmann arrives early on Thursday morning, barely seven am. She's brought her list with her so that she can talk to Erin if she has to. She's almost ready to start a fight, to stand up for herself, just because she can. She hadn't wanted to come into work, but she didn't want to be the childish one.

She jumps a metre in the air when she sees Erin sipping coffee at the table.

"Oh-"

"Holtz-" They both speak at the same time.

"I'll leave you to it," Holtz says, voice flat. All the fight has gone out of her. She trudges up to the lab, crumpled paper in her pocket weighing heavily. She half wants Erin to follow her, to argue with her, so she can push it all under the rug and pretend that they're okay, because that would be less painful. She half wants to run out of the building and never come back. Instead of thinking about it, she pulls some schematics from last week onto her desk and gets to work.

Patty brings her food at midday and gives her a quick hug. "Hanging in there, Holtz?"

She shrugs. "I'm okay. But this… this is fantastic. Check this out." She leads Patty through the lasso she's making with pride. She knows that Patty knows that she's avoiding the issue, but she doesn't call Holtz out on it. She makes all the appropriate noises of appreciation and lays a hand on it possessively.

"I call dibs on the lasso," Patty says firmly. "It's fantastic." She kisses Holtzmann's cheek and waves goodbye. After she's gone, Holtzmann realises that she was trying to fill the hole that Erin's absence is making in her heart. Normally Erin would be up here making happy noises about her creations, helping her out, making out with her in the corner – no. She compartmentalizes and goes back to her work, the sandwich lying forgotten on the table.

By four in the afternoon, she thinks they might just get through the day without having to talk to each other, so it's a nasty shock when she looks up from her miniature cyclotron to find Erin in the doorway.

"Can I come in?" she asks nervously.

Holtz sighs. "Yeah."

"Holtz. I'm so freakin' confused, I just need to talk to you-"

"Can we talk later?" Holtz fights back a groan. This was exactly why she hadn't wanted to come. "Let's just keep it professional."

"You're kidding," Erin says. "After everything-"

"Please, Erin? I've got a lot to do, and I did say I needed space."

"And I get that! It's just-" Erin looks teary. "Could you tell me what's wrong so I can try to fix it?"

"I'd rather talk outside of work," Holtzmann says neutrally. Erin is white-faced in front of her and it's breaking her heart watching Erin struggle, but she doesn't want to do this here. She fights the urge to hug her and tell her that everything will be okay, because she knows if she breaks now, they'll never stop falling into this endless cycle.

"You've got to give me _something_ , Holtz! I know I fucked up, but I can't fix it if you won't explain to me!" Erin's nearly .

"I'm happy to talk to you tonight, after work, but we should keep this professional. You said yourself that you're going to give me space." Holtzmann yanks at a stray thread on her sweater, trying to stay calm.

"Please, Holtz, I can't keep doing this. I'm so stressed." Erin's voice takes on a wheedling hint of manipulation.

"Erin, please, I- I can't right now." Holtzmann's voice is flat, a sure sign of an oncoming meltdown. She can't think of the words to explain right now, and Erin's pushiness is only panicking her more. She wishes that Erin would leave her alone to regroup, but no such luck.

"Well just – _ahhhh_!" Erin yells in frustration. "You're always going on at me about better communication. You obviously have _sooooo_ much to say! Just say it!" She approaches Holtzmann, oblivious or uncaring to her signals that she's uncomfortable with this level of closeness.

"Please-" Holtzmann shrinks away. "No, don't touch me!" Erin catches herself and backs away, eyes full of hurt.

"Holtz-"

" _Don't!_ Shit, I'm sorry that I had to go, but that's what I've been trying to tell you! I'm sorry, okay? I'm just a person! I need to do things! I can't just be your girlfriend!" She didn't mean to snap and start yelling. _Shit shit shit._ She wanted to defuse the situation so that they could be mature and talk later.

Erin steps back. "Really? Are you breaking up with me?"

"I'm _not!_ I just-" The words are twisting on Holtzmann's tongue. "I'm sorry. I can't do this right now." She tries to explain how she's freaking out inside, but she can't make the words work right. The irony. "Please, just give me some space!"

"Fucking hell, why can't you just be normal!"

Holtzmann steps back, physically shocked. She's struggling to hold back tears, all of a sudden. She turns away from Erin, feeling sick. She never expected to hear that from her new family, let alone her girlfriend.

"Erin!" Abby is in the doorway and overhears this last part. "That was way outta line. What the fuck is going on?"

"Fuck you too, Abigail!" Erin slams her way down the stairs and out of the firehouse.

Holtzmann is crying. Really, in earnest, tears splashing down her face and her stupid lab coat. Abby wraps her arms around her and rocks her; they've been friends long enough that she knows what to do. "Holtzmann. Hey, deep breaths. Listen to me. Honestly, if it was anyone else I would tell you to break up with them and never look back. Anyone who disregards your boundaries like that isn't worth your time."

Holtzmann nods, dashing away the tears with a hand.

"I know you love her, babe, but I think you guys need a break," Patty adds. She wraps her arm around the both of them, leaning on Holtzmann's head.

After a few minutes, Holtzmann pulls herself together. "Okay. Guys, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna go to Freddie's. I just need to be alone."

Abby and Patty make general agreeing supportive noises, waving goodbye as their friend drags herself out the door, not a hint of swagger in her walk.

Patty collapses on the couch once Holtz is gone.

"Okay, Abby, this has gone way too far. What the _fuck_ is going on with Erin?"

"It's not just Erin-"

"Are you kidding?" Patty shakes her head incredulously. "Did you see what I saw?"

"Granted," Abby says. "Erin needs validation like a crackhead needs crack, ya know? And Holtzmann was always being nice to her, and it got out of hand. Erin needs to sort her shit."

"You don't say." Patty frowns. "I'm just going to put it out there: this is getting weirdly kind of…abusive?" She stutters over the last bit, neither of them wanting to admit what's been in front of them for a while.

Abby is silent for a few seconds. "I guess… Yeah, it is."

***

Holtzmann gets back to Freddie's and starts the evening by pouring herself an unhealthy measure of gin. She downs it quickly, fighting the urge to grimace, then pours herself another one. Freddie's not around, so she has some peace and quiet. She's fighting herself: she has a horrible feeling that Erin is going to lapse into her self-destructive tendencies tonight, and since it's her fault, she needs to stop it. By the time the second glass is gone, all she can see is graphic images of Erin hurting herself. She's going to go home and make sure it doesn't happen. No matter what she has to do to herself to make it happen. As she's stumbling to the door, Freddie comes in.

"Holtzmann, what are you doing?"

Holtz hiccups. "Gotta… go home. Erin's really upset." She hiccups again. Damnit. "We had a fight today."

"You're not going anywhere like that," Freddie says firmly. "Sit down. Tell me what happened."

Holtzmann growls. "You don't understand, she might be hurting herself _right now_."

Freddie raises an eyebrow. Holtzmann sits. "She told me I wasn't normal," she whispers, suddenly teary again. She stares at the gin in her hand and takes another gulp.

"That's… you're not going back there, Holtz. You need to take a proper break. Get out of state for a while, even. Look at yourself. This isn't healthy."

"I know," Holtz sniffles. "I was thinking of going to Boston for a while. But right now I need to go home."

Freddie sighs in resignation. "I'm going to get you a cab. But I want you to promise to be back here inside of two hours, okay? Please don't stick around if it's bad. Call someone else."

Holtzmann nods, the room spinning slightly. She's hardly in a state to be riding to someone's rescue, she thinks to herself. _But needs must._

She trips headfirst into the cab that Freddie hails, and feels the driver sigh. Holtzmann manages the request without hiccupping or vomiting, which is quite a feat. Over the course of the ride, she sobers up, nausea sloshing in her stomach. When she's finally outside the apartment, she vomits on the pavement until her throat is raw.

She has to work up courage for a moment, then goes inside. She doesn't try to be quiet. Better if Erin knows she's here, that it's not too much of a surprise.

***

Erin shouldn't have. She knows that, but she couldn't help herself. Since everything's gone sour with Holtz, she's had the persistent urge to hurt herself. Hurt herself until she can feel again. She hasn't done it in years. Not a relapse since Columbia. In fact, only once or twice since grad school. But she bought the pack of razors anyway, and when she gets home and starts thinking about the disgust on Abby and Patty's faces earlier, she has to.

She tries to distract herself, she does. Watches television. Reads a book, and then the pamphlets from Amelia. Cooks and eats dinner.

It's not enough. When she thinks about Holtzmann shrinking away from her, looking terrified because of her, it hits her, too vicious and all-consuming to ignore. She picks up her shopping bag, lying on the counter like a temptation, and walks zombie-like to the bathroom.

She pulls out the razors and sits on the floor, leans against the toilet. She can't stand to look in the mirror as she does it. She's digging the corner into her forearm, relishing the fire licking up from the wound, when she hears the front door. She barely has time to hide the razor in her palm before Holtzmann opens the door.

"Erin…"

Erin can't look at her. She knows Holtz is blaming herself. Erin hates herself in that moment more than ever. She wishes she was strong enough to just finish the job. But then Holtz is taking her hand and uncurling her fingers around the shard of metal.

"Oh, Erin," she murmurs. Hot tears burn behind Erin's eyes, but she holds them back, determined not to burden Holtz with anything more.

Holtzmann puts the bloody blade on the bench almost mechanically. She pulls down the first-aid kit, wiping at the cut and then covering it with Neosporin and a Band-Aid. She rinses her hands under the tap. Sits on the floor, not touching Erin. Erin doesn't realise she's crying until Holtz hands her a tissue. She dabs away the tears, still not meeting her eye.

"Where are the rest of them?" Holtz asks. Erin doesn't have to ask what she means, even though part of her wants to, just to force Holtzmann to acknowledge it out loud. She points to the plastic bag on the floor. Holtzmann takes it, putting the used one inside and holding the bag like a snake. "I'm going to call Abby. You need someone with you."

Erin shakes her head, tears dripping onto her camisole, ashamed and scared and needing Holtzmann's arms around her to calm her. She doesn't want Abby's sympathy. "Can't you…?"

"I'm not negotiating, Erin. Just telling you. I love you, but I can't deal with this right now." She pulls out her phone and has Abby on the line in moments. She briefs her on the situation, and when Erin hears it laid out in such blunt terms, she chokes.  

When Holtzmann says, "I told you all, I need a break," Erin shatters inside.

This really is the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR: Holtz and Erin had a fight, Erin hurts herself, Holtz comes back to find her. 
> 
> I literally... I hate myself for writing so much angst I'm so sorry ://////


	6. I'll forfeit my place in our bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussion of Erin's self harm throughout but nothing particularly graphic.

Abby shows up twenty minutes later. Twenty minutes of hell for Erin. She sits on the couch, cradling her injured arm, Holtz sat on the armchair with the razors in her lap, not looking at her.

This is definitely rock-bottom. Once Abby arrives, her and Holtz have a brief murmured discussion in the kitchen – god, this is reminiscent of her childhood – and she hears Abby's voice spike in anger at one point, but can't really concentrate enough to follow it.

Abby comes into the lounge. She hears the front door close when Holtz leaves, and although she feels a deep, profound grief within herself at the sound, she can't even move.

Abby understands. She takes Erin to bed, tucks her under the covers, then searches all of her usual hiding places. There's nothing there, of course. She eventually crawls into bed beside Erin and places her glasses on the night-stand. Abby is the one who's there, like she's always been, holding her tight when the tears finally fall.

"Good thing we're going to the therapist tomorrow," Abby tells her, stroking her back.

Erin sighs and nods. "I'm sorry, Abby."

"I know, Er. It's okay. We'll get through it, we always do."

***

It kills Holtz, seeing Erin like this.

And it's her fault.

If she'd been more supportive, if she'd just gotten Erin to talk about everything earlier on in the relationship, _if if if_. She wears herself out on what-ifs on the way home and she's finally able to think in a straight line when she gets home.

She crawls into her bed at Freddie's, carefully lining up facts. Erin's in no state to be having serious relationship talks, not when she's so close to spiralling into depression. Holtzmann doesn't want to exacerbate that; Erin needs to heal. Holtzmann needs time to figure out how to deal with everything in the long term, to figure out what she really needs, what she can sacrifice.

The only solution is to have a break. An official one. A no-contact, no-rescues breeak. And since Holtzmann can't seem to stay away even when she swears that she will, she needs to go. To Boston. Freddie's right.

She's going to stay with Dr Gorin.

"Hello."

"Hi, Dr. Gorin."

"Jillian. What do you need?"

Holtz blinks back tears. "A place to stay for a while."

"I actually have a project I could use a hand with. When will you be here?"

"Two days."

"I will make up a bed."

"Thank you, Rebecca."

Dr. Gorin hangs up. Holtzmann breathes deeply in relief, feeling like the oxygen is finally reaching her for the first time in days.

She makes her way downstairs to get some water and pauses when she reaches into her pocket for the key to the back room. There's paper in there. She pulls it out and stares at it. Holtz tilts her head, looking at the tear-stained, crumpled list in her hand. She's seen Erin twice since she made it and both times she hasn't managed to talk about it.

What a fucking mess.

***

"What happened?" Amelia asks immediately, seeing the Band-Aid on Erin's forearm.

"She relapsed," Abby responds without looking at Erin.

Erin glares at her.

Amelia raises an eyebrow. "Self-harm?"

Erin nods in defeat.

"How much?"

"I… don't know." Amelia lets that sit for a few seconds before Erin sighs. "Holtzmann came home and stopped me from going any further. I don't know how far I would have gone otherwise."

"Suicidal thoughts?" Amelia is writing furiously.

"A little. Not the focus though. I just wanted to punish myself." Erin's been sitting in therapists' offices her whole life, she knows how to express her mental state.

Abby winces. Erin ignores it.

"What prompted it?"

"We had a fight."

Amelia listens as Erin explains, and as Erin explains, she starts to see where they went wrong. How she could have been more considerate, how Holtzmann could have de-escalated, how she could have bitten her tongue a little more.

"I can see you're thinking about it. What are you thinking?"

Erin flushes, still disliking the feeling that she's in the wrong. "That… I could have been more respectful. Could have listened to her more carefully." She's thinking about Holtzmann apologising for flirting with another women, for running without just _talking_ to her, for the mess they're in, for everything. But she doesn't want to sound petty and childish, so she bites her tongue on that.

Amelia nods. "What about Holtzmann? Was she maybe in the wrong too?"

Erin practically feels Abby bristle beside her. She casts a wry look in her friend's direction. "She could have made it clearer to me at the beginning of the day. Or the beginning of the _fighting_ , even. I think a little clarification of what exactly the situation between us at the moment is would go a long way towards making both of us feel better."

Amelia nods. "That's a good start. And what about your homework?"

Erin pulls out the pamphlets. She also has a hand-written list. She hands them all over.

"This is all good, Erin. Did you enjoy the meditation?"

"I liked it, but I don't think it really made any difference."

"Try using the breathing techniques next time you get angry, see if you can de-escalate the situation. Or when you feel like self-harming, try them. Or just meditate in general. Sometimes it will send you off to sleep."

Erin nods thoughtfully.

"I'm thinking that maybe you and Holtzmann need to spend more time apart so you can sort out your feelings," Amelia says. "Can you work from home?"

"Yeah. But I'll have to get some stuff from the firehouse."

"I could-" Abby offers.

"I'd rather do it myself," Erin says. "I'll be able to get everything I need. And explain to Holtzmann as well."

"Okay, good plan," Amelia says encouragingly. She looks searchingly at Abby, who nods ruefully like she knows what's coming. "Erin, would you like to see me alone next time?"

"Um-" Erin glances at Abby, who smiles encouragingly. "Yes. Okay."

"Fantastic. Anyway, keep up the meditation, and try something else for the next couple days?"

"Will do, doc," Erin says, grinning.

Amelia looks shocked for a brief second, then laughs out loud. "I like you, Erin. Try to like yourself a little more."

***

"Hey girls," Holtzmann says, boots smacking the concrete floor. "I wanted to talk to you guys about something."

Both Abby and Patty look up from a heavily annotated map of New York. "What's up?"

"I…" Holtzmann takes a deep breath and starts again. "I'm thinking that I'll go to stay with Rebecca – Dr Gorin," she corrects herself, "for a while. Is there, like, an official leave process I have to do for Jennifer, is I guess what I'm asking."

Abby immediately gets a sort of pensive look. Holtzmann tries to decipher it, with little luck. Abby's glasses always confuse her. Patty is smiling, though. "That's a fantastic idea, Holtz. I don't actually know though. We'd better call Jenny."

Holtz arches an eyebrow at Abby, who shrugs and says, "Sounds good to me. You holding up okay, Holtz?"

"I'm fine!" she says cheerily. "I also wanted to run through some of the safety stuff you guys will have to do while I'm away. Also, I, um, have to tell Erin." Her face falls and she squeezes her eyes shut like she's looking into an exploding star.

"Yeah, you do, baby. I reckon you guys need to clarify a whole lot of shit, actually," Patty says wryly.

"Yeah." Holtzmann swallows and turns away. "We do." She sits down at the computer to book a flight out the next day.

Patty comes over and sits beside her. Holtz's fingers tremble on the mouse and Patty covers her hand with her own. "Gonna miss you, Holtzy."

"Only for a little while, Patty-cakes."

"Still." Holtz suddenly crawls onto Patty's lap and hugs her, breathing in her solidness. "You guys will make sure Erin doesn't hurt herself, right? I can't… I'm sorry… Shit." Holtzmann rubs a hand over her face. "I think she needs to get better without me."

Patty nods, squeezing Holtz's hand. "We've got both your backs, Holtz. We'll take care of her."

Holtz swings around to Abby. "Hey, when's Erin going to be in? She's usually here by now." Holtzmann would much rather tell Erin about leaving when Abby and Patty are around to look after her than at home where there's no one.

Abby looks uncomfortable. "I don't know. She's decided to work from home for a while." She shrugs.

Holtzmann blinks. "Really?" She can't help the way her throat constricts a bit.

Abby nods, not looking Holtz in the eye.

"Is she okay?"

Abby looks up. "No."

"Is it me?"

Abby does a weird shrug-nod. "It's a lot of stuff, Holtzy. Maybe you should just leave it. She's having a really hard time."

Holtzmann nods. "I do have to tell her though," she says. "I want to do it when she has support, like you guys, not when she's alone."

"She's coming in for her work stuff later, I think. I'll text her. Should I tell her you want to talk to her?"

Holtzmann considers a moment, weighing up whether to spring it on her or to give her some warning. Deciding that the warning will probably cause less anxiety, she replies, "I guess so."

Abby nods. "Take it easy, Holtz."

Holtzmann kisses Patty on the head and goes back up to her lab to rewire something. She's so antsy that her hands are shaking. She puts it down and does some stretches. She's still strung out, so she tidies a bit. It doesn't allay her nerves.

Eventually she settles in the window seat with a pile of dumpster finds that need cleaning and watches for Erin, because she's too goddamn nervous to do anything else.

Almost two hours later, she's almost done, and almost asleep, and a cab pulls up.

 _Erin._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about not updating yesterday, I needed to sort out the timeline a little bit so there was a lot of editing to do. Hope you guys are enjoying my side projects anyway. Love you all :*


	7. We have seen each other through it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of Holtz thinking about Erin's self harming.

When Erin goes into work, she's prepared to see Holtzmann. Abby told her Holtz would be there, that she wanted to talk to her, and she's happy that they finally get to sort this out. Since having some time alone and working with Amelia one-on-one, she really feels a whole lot better about the situation.

So she's surprised by the force of the panic attack that hits her when she gets out of the cab. She had been okay with it, mentally prepared, but apparently not enough.

But when it comes down to it, she's standing outside the firehouse, fighting for breath, practically seeing stars, she's so nervous. She has to stop and sit on the kerb to calm down, and then Holtzmann bounds out of the firehouse.

"Erin?" She squats in front of her, immediately recognising the situation. "Hey, follow my breathing. In. Out. What can you see?"

Erin mouths something, silently sobbing, face red.

"Erin. Focus on my voice. You're safe here, this is your home. It's nice and cosy inside. You want to come inside? We'll get some tea, alright?" She offers Erin a hand to help her stand up. Erin is still crying, but she can breathe.

"Jillian, I'm so sorry," she manages before sobbing even louder.

"Hug?" Holtzmann checks.

Erin nods frantically and lunges at Holtzmann, crying into her shoulder. Holtzmann rocks them gently until Erin recovers.

"I was such an asshole, I'm so sorry. I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to you. I will be a good girlfriend, I promise."

And it only makes Holtzmann's job so much harder. So she doesn't say anything. Any agreement is a lie. Any denial is a panic attack. Erin tugs at her sleeve. "Holtz?"

"Erin- I think we should take a break." Band-Aid. Band-Aid. Holtzmann closes her eyes for a second. Watching Erin's face crumple, Holtz yells "Abby! Erin is back!"

And like a coward, she scuttles back to her lab.

Abby, ever the put-upon best friend, picks Erin up and puts her back together on the couch. She hands her water and her anxiety pills and watches her take them. Erin coughs as they stick in her gullet, tears springing to her eyes again.

"Jesus _fucking_ Christ." Abby mutters. "Holtzmann!" she yells up the stairs. "She really needs to learn how to take responsibility." More muttering. Erin's mouth quirks. Abby catches it and rolls her eyes. "Don't think I'm taking sides now." She waves a finger.

Holtzmann emerges a little sheepishly, clutching a piece of paper between her hands.

Erin closes her eyes, unwilling to watch this unfold. She hates break ups. It's another sign that she's not good enough, that she doesn't deserve to be here.

"Look, I know this has been a huge mess. I'm sorry." Holtzmann takes a deep breath. "It wasn't anybody's fault, really, but I think we both need time apart to figure ourselves out. I think we should take a break. I'm going to go out-of-state for a while, and I'd rather not hear from you. I still love you to the moon and back-" She ruins this proclamation by glancing at the paper in her hands. "But this is really hard for us both. I'll see you in a couple weeks, and then if you're feeling better we can talk it out."

And then Holtz is gone, and reality comes rushing in and Erin cries. Abby and Patty sandwich her between themselves and whisper comforting things until she can breathe again.

***

Erin looks shell-shocked. Holtzmann can't stand to be there a second longer, because her resolve was paper-thin to start with. She doesn't want to have this all on her shoulders and she feels the sting of tears in her eyes. She runs before they can start to fall.

She runs all the way to the subway station and ignores the text from Patty full of reassurances and heart emojis.

When she gets home, she fills a duffel bag with her essentials and then cleans her room from top to bottom, too antsy to sit still for even a moment.

***

Now that Holtz is gone, Erin can stay at the firehouse. After she's cried herself out, Abby dumps a load of equations on her desk and says, "Double check for me, please?"

Erin guesses that Abby's probably only trying to distract her, but she does it anyway. The math is predictable and straightforward and she loses herself in it, grateful to have something to focus on.

The three of them stay at the firehouse and watch movies together and when she wakes up in the morning Erin feels more rested than she has in years.

***

Holtzmann sleeps away the whole flight, then stumbles off in a stupor. Dr. Gorin meets her with a perfunctory wave and greeting.

"Hi," Holtz mumbles, rubbing her eyes.

"Oh, Jillian." The faint dip in Dr. Gorin's voice indicates sympathy.

"I'm fine," she responds defensively.

"Okay." Dr. Gorin placates her. "Would you like to go home or to the lab?"

"Home," Holtzmann whispers.

And so they do. Dr. Gorin shows her to her old bedroom and offers her food. Holtzmann eats mechanically.

"It's Erin, isn't it."

Holtzmann nods.

"Have you separated?"

Holtzmann puts her forehead on the table and cries.

***

Erin takes care of herself; meditates, journals, takes all of her medication, goes to two therapist appointments. Amelia is thrilled with her progress. Abby keeps an eye on her and the three of them spend some time doing fun things like going to the museum, instead of just talking about ghosts all the time.

In between all of that, she decides to clean the firehouse, because they've _really_ let it go lately. After a week she can even bring herself to step into the lab and sort stuff out. She invests in some plastic bins and sorts all of the scrap metal out. She keeps a careful file of all of the theoretic work she and Abby do and leaves it for Holtzmann to look at when she gets back.

The work stuff she can handle; they've been professional at work for the majority of their relationship, so it's easy for her to compartmentalize Holtzmann the engineering genius and Holtzmann her girlfriend.

Going home at night is the hardest part. Mostly she distracts herself – she watches back episodes of _Saturday Night Live_ and _Orphan Black_ , but sometimes thoughts about Holtzmann overwhelm her and then she writes down all her feelings and puts them in a folder. Before they talk, she's going to go through and weed out the irrational ones and the valid ones so she can be more reasonable.

She buys muffins for breakfast and brings coffees for the others every morning and life is okay.

She's almost… happy, dare she think it.

***

Holtzmann doesn't want to leave. Doesn't want to go home. Boston feels _right_. She's home with Rebecca. Her mentor picks up on her mood, because one day she appears in the lab beside Holtzmann as she's working.

"Jillian."

Holtzmann switches off her blowtorch and puts it down by way of response. One does not mince words around Dr. Gorin.

"I would like to offer you a full-time job."

"Really?"

"Yes." Rebecca's mouth shows a hint of a frown.

"Doing what?"

"Doing some research, helping out my graduate students. We'll see."

"Are you doing this out of pity?" Holtzmann meets Rebecca's eyes, feeling like she's on thin ice. Holtz is far too proud to stay somewhere that she's not truly wanted.

Rebecca's mouth-twitch develops into a full-blossomed frown. "Jillian. I am not sentimental. I have wanted you to work with me since you graduated, but I understood your need to go back to New York. Since it would appear there is some trouble with your life there, I thought now would be an opportune time to ask. You are brilliant."

"Okay. Thank you. I'll think about it." Holtzmann picks up her blowtorch, outwardly calm, inwardly screaming. Rebecca leaves, gracing Holtzmann with a gentle pat on the back.

Holtzmann puts the blowtorch down again, feeling sick to her stomach. Rebecca has unwittingly – or, perhaps, intentionally – offered her the perfect out. And she wants it. She wants to run after Rebecca right now and tell her _yes, please, god, yes, thank you_. The only thing holding her back is a lingering guilt about Erin. The sight of her digging a razor blade into her wrist will _never_ leave her. She can't imagine what Erin would do if Holtz left her from across the country.

 _Guilt isn't a good enough reason to do something_ , she decides. The thought is freeing. And after all, nothing awful will happen. Erin has Abby and Patty and a therapist.

Abby will come and visit. Patty loves Boston, she already knows. It would be okay. It would be nice. It would be a whole lot better than the hell she's been putting herself through in New York.

And Erin will fade from her life like a bad dream.

She's made up her mind.

***

Abby is halfway through a set of equations when her phone rings.

"Holtz? How are you?" She's happy to hear from their engineer. She actually has a bunch of questions to ask about lab stuff, and she has to restrain herself from jumping into them right away. There are so many ideas bouncing around in her brain that she wants to talk about.

"I'm, um, good." Holtzmann doesn't sound good at all.

"What is it, Jill?" Abby zeroes in on it and her voice softens.

"I just. Okay. Um." Holtzmann breathes for a moment, and Abby lets her have the time. "Rebecca offered me a job and I'm going to take it and I'm so sorry and-"

" _What?_ " Abby's jaw drops. She can't form a sentence. She'd expected some drama about Erin, not literally abandoment. "You mean, in Boston? You're leaving us?"

"Yeah." If she was listening hard enough, she would have heard the half-sob that Holtz let out, but she isn't.

She's reliving Erin's leaving all over again. "You can't do that! You can't just abandon us! You- Just because you and Erin are having issues doesn't mean you can just up and leave! Erin's sorted her shit out for you. Holtzmann-" Abby's yelling, half-crying, gasping.

The line goes dead. Holtzmann hangs up. Abby's shaking. Patty's staring with wide eyes.

"Holtzy?"

"She's staying in Boston." And then Abby's crying, and Patty hugging her and the question no one wants to think about it is _How will Erin cope?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, making the face that Holtzmann does at giant cartoon Rowan: Sorry sorry sorry sorry.


	8. I pray; that never used to happen before

Abby agonizes over what (and when) to tell Erin, because she _knows_ that Holtz hasn't done it. She's ignoring all of Holtzmann's calls; if Holtz thinks she gets a free pass because of _relationship problems_ she can goddamn think again and then Abby's crying into her cereal for the third day running.

Patty hands her the tissue box without even looking at her. Erin's not in yet (thank god). It's getting to the point where neither of them can keep up their happy faces for a whole day without thinking about the imminent finality of Holtzmann's leaving.

And then Patty's crying a bit too just as the front door bangs open. _Shit_.

"Morning guys, I brought- What's wrong?" Erin puts the coffee on the table distractedly and puts an arm around each of her friends.

Abby and Patty both sit up straight and dash away the tears. "Everything's peachy, baby," Patty says. "Just talking 'bout a sad movie." Abby keeps her mouth shut.

Erin raises her eyebrows. "Oka-ay. That's weird."

Her phone rings out and everyone jumps. "Excuse me a sec, guys." She steps into the hallway to answer it, giving Patty and Abby a moment's reprieve.

They raise their eyebrows at each other and Abby mouths, " _Shit_."

***

"Dad? What's wrong?" Erin picks up the phone to radio silence instead of the usual cheerful greeting.

There's a few pregnant seconds before he speaks, voice rough. "Erin, it's your mom. She passed away this morning."

Erin stumbles back into the kitchen, grabbing the bench to hold herself up. "What?" Erin is shaking, gasping.

"A heart attack. The funeral is Monday. Please… _please,_ come back."

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Erin all but whispers, hearing the line go dead. She turns to the others. "Abby, my mom, she died, Abby-" And then the tears come and Abby envelopes her in a tight hug and she's dripping all over Abby's clean, ironed shirt.

Abby makes her hot chocolate with extra sugar and tucks her under a blanket on the couch. Patty sits beside her and begins looking up plane tickets on her laptop.

The first sip burns Erin's tongue and she runs to the bathroom to vomit. Abby follows her, rubbing her back gently as she heaves and heaves until she's crying against the porcelain seat, unable to breathe. Abby holds her there for a while – Erin doesn't have any kind of coherent sense of time – until her phone rings, again.

Erin goes to get it just as Patty answers.

"Seriously, now is _not_ the time." And then she hangs up. She presses her mouth in a line and turns back to the others.

"Who was it?" Erin asks, voice small. She's confused and strung out.

"No-one, baby," Patty says reassuringly.

***

" _Holtzmann_ ," she mouths over Erin's head to Abby.

This day could _not_ get any more complicated if it tried. Abby stifles a groan. "What about the flights?"

"I got a ticket in about eight hours. That okay?" Patty goes over to the printer and pulls the ticket off.

"Thank you, Patty."

"Okay, Er, let's get you home," Abby says.

Abby takes her home and, at Erin's whispered request for alone time, leaves her there. She wonders if that's the best idea, but she doesn't think Erin's depressed; just grieving. Erin nods at her raised eyebrows, asking if she's okay to be alone.

***

Erin sits on her bed for a while. She fiddles with her fingernails. Eventually she garners the energy to stand up and gather stuff to take with her.

As she starts to pack, she feels like the walls are closing in on her, and the only thing she can think about is Holtzmann. She needs Holtzmann with every fibre of her being.

It's selfish, to think of her at a time like this, but Holtzmann always knows. She always understands.

Erin is crying as she pulls up Holtzmann's number and taps to call. _Please please please_ , she prays.

***

Holtzmann is happy. She's so happy. She's a little tipsy from the night before, but she feels like she's home. She's already started looking at apartments. Rebecca came home and when she turned around her laptop to show her the screen, she hugged Holtzmann.

"I'm glad."

Holtzmann begins an email to Abby, trying to put into words all the feelings so that Abby understands. What she did wasn't the best way to spring it on her, she realises. Abby's already been abandoned by one best friend. Holtz has been a really shitty friend to everyone this past week. She puts her head in her hands.

It's time to talk to Erin.

She picks up the phone and dials. She has a little speech planned out. Nothing's going to stop her now.

To her shock, Patty picks up. " _Now is not the time_ ," she spits out, and then hangs up. Is everyone angry at her? Her elation sours and she feels a tremor of tears coming on. She shakes her head and thinks about how angry she was at Erin before she left. That'll keep her resolve strong. Rebecca is thrilled that she's staying.

She tosses her phone across the room and buries her face in her hands. Maybe she should reconsider? Abby's heartbroken rant plays back in her mind and she tries to shake it off. She's staying. She's happy about that. She tries on a smile.

Her phone rings and she lunges across the room for it. It's playing Erin's special ringtone. A wave of nausea washes over her.

She slowly picks it up and stares at the "accept" icon. Finally, she taps it and raises it to her ear, unsure exactly what she's expecting.

"Jill, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's my mom, she died, I need you, please," Erin is sobbing down the line. "Please," she whispers.

Not this. She wasn't expecting this. The air is sucked from Holtz's lungs. There's a sour taste in her mouth. She struggles to put together the words she needs, to reassure her girlfriend.  

"Okay, I get it. Sorry, I shouldn't have called. I'll just go," Erin says.

Holtz's brain-to-mouth filter dies. "No! No, oh my _god_. Erin, honey, I'm so sorry. I'll be there in a few hours, okay? Hold on. I'll be there." As she says it, she realises she couldn't do anything else. She couldn't live with herself if she didn't go back.

"Thank you," Erin breathes down the line before she hangs up.

She runs upstairs and throws a few clothes into her suitcase, yells that she'll text Rebecca, and hails a cab to the airport.

***

Holtzmann texts Erin the arrival time – she manages to get on the next flight to New York through flirting with three different officials, a hefty wad of cash, a crying spell, and invoking the all-powerful _Ghostbusters_ name.

Erin's waiting for her, alone. She's in sweatpants and her MIT sweatshirt, obviously recently been crying. Holtzmann runs to her and envelopes her in a hug. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. Erin. I'm so sorry." Erin starts crying again. They sit down together and Holtzmann wipes her eyes with a tissue, ever gentle.

"The funeral is on Monday. I'm sorry, I've got us tickets on the next flight out. I know that's going to suck for you. It was the only one I could find two tickets for, and I'm _sorry_ -" Erin chokes up again.

Holtzmann hugs her again. "I'll be fine. Don't worry your pretty little head about me. Let's get you home."

"Are you sure? You can go home and come on a later flight."

"I'm not leaving you," Holtzmann says seriously. _Again_.

Erin sags against the back of her chair. "Do you want to go check your luggage in? Here's the boarding pass."

"Will you be okay?" Holtzmann asks. "I can make them come to me if you want me to stay. The perks of being a Ghostbuster are many."

"I'm good. I'd like to…" Erin shrugs.

"Have a moment alone? That's okay. See you soon." Holtzmann waves as she walks

In the spirit of honouring Erin's request, and her urgent need for food and a bathroom, Holtzmann stays away longer than strictly necessary, freshening up in the bathroom, buying a couple of smoothies and burgers and those little Japanese mochi cakes that Erin likes.

"Hey, Er. You awake there? I got some food. If you're not hungry I'll eat it." Holtzmann plops down beside her, easy as ever.

"What did I do to deserve you?" In another lifetime, in another universe, this would be a rhetorical question. In this one, it rasps painfully out, the fundamental truth of their relationship.

"The square root of fuck all, last I checked," Holtzmann says lightly, smiling to soften her words. "Eat, Er."

Erin obeys, still looking like a kicked puppy. Holtzmann can hear her breathing speeding up.

"Erin. Look at me." Holtzmann squats in front of her, putting a hand on her knee. "Hey. Focus on the present. Can you feel my hand? Good. Deep breaths. I know we have a lot of stuff to sort out. But we can do that after you get through this. I'm not going anywhere and I'm going to be here for you because this is horrible. God knows, I know."

And then Erin remembers that she's not the only one without a mom and she flings her arms around Holtzmann. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She's practically hyper-ventilating. "I didn't even realise this would upset you, I'm sorry, I-"

Holtzmann cuts her off with a squeeze of the hand. "Erin, I'm okay. I'm a big girl. What did I say? Focus on now. You're worrying me just a tad, so let's get some food inside you, huh?"

Erin eats under Holtzmann's slow, patient gaze. Eventually, she closes her eyes. "So tired," she murmurs. Holtzmann is underneath her in an instant, propping up her head, supporting her back. As she drops off, Holtz tugs their boarding passes out to check their flight number: they wouldn't want to miss their plane, not after everything they've gone through to be together.

***

Erin sleeps most of the flight home. Holtzmann sits in the window seat and stews. She mourns the loss of her almost-new life. She'd been so optimistic; ready to start afresh. When she thinks about it though, she didn't come running back because Erin called. She came running back because when she realized that Erin was still there, still needing her, it made everything feel like nightmare. Sometimes Holtzmann hates how empathetic she is. Looking at Erin's bare, tired face beside her, _now isn't one of those times_ , she thinks. 

What really is a nightmare is the funeral. Erin can't finish her speech for crying, Holtzmann catches dirty looks from everyone in Ruralfuck, Michigan because she wears a suit, and there's a mishap with the coffin.

Afterwards, Erin sits on a tree stump in the cemetery, and says, "I didn't even like her. I didn't even fucking like her and I just lied in a church, and I'm gay." She swigs from a flask that Holtzmann didn't even know she owned.

"That _does not_ mix with your medication and we both know that." Holtz sits cross-legged on the ground beside her, taking the flask and drinking too. Straight vodka. "Parents are complicated, Er. You can still love someone even if you don't like them."

There's a moment of silence.

Erin puts a hand on her shoulder, sighing. "Thank you. I'm so glad you're here."

"I love you," Holtzmann says simply. "That's enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops


	9. Come back to bed, love

The sleeping arrangements prove a struggle. Erin has her bedroom, but they've taken her trundle bed for one of her cousins. The guest bedrooms are occupied. Her room has a double bed, but Holtzmann doesn't feel comfortable forcing Erin to sleep next to her, especially given that they haven't slept together in more than a month.

Holtzmann offers to get a hotel room, to give Erin space, and Erin deflates on the bed. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "This is a lot."

"Hey, I'll stay here if you want. No biggie. I just thought you might want to be alone." Holtzmann sighs. "I know this is horrible. I'm right here for whatever you need." She puts a hand on Erin's shoulder. "Do you want me to stay?"

Erin nods pitifully, curling up on her side, motioning for Holtz to join her. She curls herself around Erin, rubbing her back gently.

"I'm right here," she murmurs. Suddenly Erin rolls over to face her.

"Holtz, we gotta talk about us."

"Are you sure?" Holtzmann curves her eyebrows at Erin, taking in her crumpled dress and slumped shoulders.

"I'm desperate."

"Okay."

"Do you want to go first?" Erin asks.

"You go first, Er."

"I'm so sorry," she begins. "I was an awful person to you. Pretty much from the start of our relationship. But Abby took me to see a counsellor and her and Patty have been helping me reality-check my emotions, and I'm trying to be better. Not to guilt-trip you or anything," she adds hastily. "I don't want you to feel obliged to try to make it work. But I just wanted to tell you that if you do… I'm trying. I'm kind of a mess right now, because of…" Holtzmann nods. "But I'm gonna keep trying."

Holtzmann kisses her. It's the first time they've been this intimate in almost six weeks, and she feels tears pricking at her eyelids. Nothing has ever felt so right.

"Erin. I came back for you. I was planning to move in with Rebecca. I wanted a fresh start. But this… this was a goddamn reality check. I realised that I do want to make it work."

Erin squeezes her eyes shut. "You were going to leave me?" Holtz practically feels her anxiety spike through the roof.

Holtzmann takes a deep breath, bracing herself for the meltdown. "Yes. But, I think, I wouldn't have done it. I would have gotten a week in, or a month, and realised that we were meant to be together."

Erin nods, obviously processing. "Okay." She stretches her hands above her head. "I'm upset, but I can understand that. I hope you're right."

A smile overtakes Holtz's face. "That's different."

"I know." Erin wriggles her shoulders. "I am trying."

Holtzmann kisses her gently. Erin kisses her back, and the conversation is almost forgotten as they move together for the first time in a long time. They remember how their bodies fit each other, what to do, and it's perfect. It's salty with tears and longing and regret, but it's perfect.

Until Erin pushes Holtzmann away, sits up, rests her head on her knees. "Sorry, Holtz. I just can't right now."

Holtzmann immediately buttons up her shirt. "I didn't push you, did I?" she asks, worried. "Can I touch you?"

"No to the pushing, yes to the touching." Erin leans her head back against the wall. "I wanted it, I was into it, but then… it just hit me again. I feel sick."

Holtzmann nods, stroking her hair. "It's okay. Deep breaths." Erin leans against her. She keeps up a steady stream of reassurances and calming words until Erin sits up of her own accord.

"I think I'm gonna sleep now," she whispers. Holtzmann presses a kiss to her forehead and gets off the bed to find some comfy clothes. Erin thanks her and gets changed wordlessly.

"Holtz?" she says once she sits back down.

"Yeah?" Holtzmann sits beside her.

"We have a whole lot else to talk about, okay? When we get home and everything's not so crazy."

"Sounds good to me," Holtzmann agrees softly.

Erin crawls up under the covers and tucks her hands under her chin. "Tired," she murmurs as her eyes close. Holtzmann sits silent and still, waiting for her to properly drop off to sleep before she stands up.

She slips down to the kitchen and washes up the dinner dishes, telling Mr Gilbert that it wasn't a problem when he thanks her.

After that, she goes back to Erin's room and sits down to sort out her suitcase; it's completely unordered, and she knows Erin hates that. She quickly folds all of her shirts and pants separately.

As she folds the last pair, a piece of paper flutters out of the pocket. Assuming it's a receipt or something, she picks it up and tosses it in the trash. It's only as it falls that she catches her name written on it and reaches down to read it.

It's some kind of apology note. It's practically illegible, it's been reworked so many times. The only thing she can properly make out is her name at the top and _See list_ circled heavily at the bottom. Holtz smiles and tucks the note back into the pocket from whence it came. They're going to be okay.

***

It's a couple of days before they go back to New York. Erin helps her dad sort out her mom's things, Holtzmann does the cooking and cleaning and the sitting awake at night when Erin can't sleep, letting her talk and talk and talk about her mom.

"I wish she had understood me. Just once," Erin whispers, tears still tracking down her face three nights after the funeral. Holtzmann strokes her back.

"I know, Er, I know." She's run out of things to say to make it better, not that any of them were working anyway.

Finally Erin falls asleep against Holtz's shoulder, drooling on her pajama shirt. Holtzmann gently lowers her down to the bed and draws a blanket over her form before settling under her own to try for at least an hour of sleep before Erin wakes up again.

They're both shattered by the end of five days.

"Thank you for having me, Mr Gilbert." Holtzmann shakes Erin's father's hand and is surprised by his hug.

"Thank you for taking care of my girl," he responds. She shrugs and shuffles her feet, embarrassed by his praise. Not even a week ago, she'd been planning to break up with Erin via phone from Boston.

Erin squeezes her shoulders. "We'd better get going, anyway. Bye, Dad." She embraces him and Holtzmann looks away, pretending not to notice the tears they share.

The flight passes without much talking. Erin spends most of the time writing in a notebook, and every time Holtzmann shifts in her seat, Erin snaps it shut. Finally she has to tap Erin's shoulder and tell her, "I'm not looking, I promise."

Erin relaxes a little and goes back to furiously scribbling. "Sorry. It's just… being home, it's made me all jumpy. It's not you."

Holtz nods and squeezes her hand lightly before going back to reading the book on her lap.

***

After a good night's sleep and a day of unpacking and readjusting, they sit down with takeout and watch a movie. Erin doesn't really seem to be watching, but Holtzmann lets it play out before she sits up. "How are you feeling? Up to talking?"

"I'm alright. Well. You know." Erin half-smiles. "Um, I know we're overdue for a serious conversation, but I was wondering… Can we write it down? It'll make it easier? And we can talk tomorrow?"

"We can talk tomorrow if you want," Holtzmann confirms, smiling a little. "But you've already written a list, haven't you?" Erin shifts uncomfortably. "No! You _typed_ it. Did you print it out? I love you so much," she giggles. "I already have a list, too. Shall I get it? We can talk about it now. If you want."

"Holtzmann, this is serious!" Erin scrunches up her nose, smiling and nodding anyway.

"And I agree. Be back in a sec!" Holtzmann bounds off towards the bedroom.

She brings back her list, and Erin has her notebook in hand, and they stare at each other, unable to stop smiling.

"You go first, Holtz," Erin says.

"Wait, can I just…?" Holtzmann leans over and hovers in front of Erin's face.

"Mmm-hmm," Erin says, meeting her lips. The kiss is soft and understanding. When they break apart, she whispers, "This is nice."

"I've missed you."

"Me too," Erin says, reaching out. She holds Holtzmann's hand hesitantly. "Shall we…?"

Holtzmann raises her list. "Do you want to just… read it? I'll read yours too." They switch, and sit in silence for a few moments.

Erin looks up. "Are you finished?"

Holtz nods.

"Okay…" Erin flicks her eyes over the list. "I _want_ to support you. I just don't know how. But I'm going to do my very best. Maybe we can talk about how I can do that. I'm already trying to manage my emotions better, and the anxiety. I know I was pretty unreasonable at times, but I think I'm getting that under control. I am sorry, you know. Just really sorry."

Erin looks so hang-dog that Holtzmann reaches out and hugs her. "Erin, I understand. I don't… well, I don't blame you for being the way you were, even if it wasn't the greatest. I just needed some time away from it because I was starting to feel like I was going crazy. And it turned into a really big mess because neither of us were able to communicate and compromise. I need my space, sometimes. To recharge and re-evaluate and all that jazz."

Erin snuggles against Holtz's collarbone. "We need to work on talking about stuff. I understand it when you put it like that, but not when you just freak out and yell at me." There's a tinge of accusation in her voice, and as Holtzmann thinks back to the fight that started this whole affair, she's kind of right.

"I know. That was my bad. I'm sorry, too." Holtz kisses her forehead.

"I want you to be able to call me out when I'm being unreasonably awful. Maybe we could have a sort of… a safe word?" Erin cringes at the way it sounds coming out of her mouth.

"I think that's a great idea." Holtzmann smiles down at her, smoothing the crease on her forehead with her thumb. "Would you maybe… maybe want to see a therapist together?"

Erin tilts her head to consider the question. "I think that would be good."

"I'm so glad to have you back," Holtzmann says again, reaching to cradle the back of Erin's neck.

"Me too, babe." Erin stretches up and kisses her. "Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost done ahhhhhh


	10. Best of wives, best of women

" _You got back together and didn't tell us_!?" Abby yells at them when they walk into the firehouse on Monday with their fingers interlaced.

"Oh…" Erin and Holtz share a look, thinking back through the last week. "Shit. We did. Sorry."

Abby bursts into tears and hugs Holtzmann. "I thought you were never coming back, you asshole, you utter, utter asshole," she says. Holtzmann squeezes her tight and rocks on the balls of her feet.

"I was an idiot and I'm so so sorry to put you through that and all this and I want to make it up to you because you're the best friend I could ever ask for and and and." Abby and Holtz are nose-to-nose, both crying.

Erin looks away to give them some privacy. "Welcome back, Er," Patty says dryly, giving her a one-armed hug. "How are you holding up?"

Erin gives some thought to her answer, knowing it's the concerned inquiry of a close friend and not a passing pleasantry. "I'm doing okay. The relationship stuff is going well so far, and the grief… well, I'm coping," she shrugs.

Patty nods. "You ever need anything, I'm here, baby."

Erin nods. She opens her mouth to ask how Patty is doing and what she's missed, but Patty beats her to it.

"You wanna hear my news?" Patty grins and pulls Erin over to the computer. "I did it. I graduated."

"You _what_?" Erin gapes at Patty. "You were studying?"

"History and biology." Patty grins even wider. "How cool is that? I'm going to write a book about the history of ghosts."

Erin sits down in the computer chair. "I- I'm so proud of you, congratulations. I'm just _processing_ , oh my god, Patty! Did you guys know about this?" she calls over to Holtz and Abby, who have stopped crying all over each other and are now just standing arm in arm, whispering.

"I did," Abby admits, looking up.

"Abigail!" Erin yells.

"What did I miss?" Holtzmann says, looking between Patty and Erin.

"I graduated! Check this out!"

Holtzmann sprints across the room to Patty and latches onto her in a bear hug. "Why didn't you tell me, Patty, I'm going to kill you, I'm so proud of you." Holtzmann peppers her face with kisses.

"I know, baby." Patty hugs her.

"This calls for celebratory drinks," Erin says, finally gathering her wits and standing up.

"It's nine am," Abby says.

"Celebratory coffee," she amends. "Come with me, Patty?"

"'Course, baby."

***

"Okay. I'm ready." Holtzmann laces her fingers through Erin's and offers her a small smile. "Hey, we're gonna make this work. We're in it for the long run."

Erin smiles back. Holtzmann is surprised at how relaxed she is. Maybe they _can_ make this work. "I love you."

"I love you too, babe. Now let's kick some psychological trauma's ass!"

"Yeah... No."

"That wasn't quite what it sounded like in my head," Holtzmann agrees, laughing.

Amelia is impressed with Erin's progress and offers to see Holtz one-on-one to figure out a plan for her as well.

They do make safe words. They're happy doing it even though it's awkward and kind of strange. "Hadron. Mine is hadron," Holtz declares. "If I want you shut the fuck up and leave me alone I'm going to stick my fingers in my ears and yell _hadron_ at you until you go away."

"Holtzmann, this is serious!" Erin seems to be saying that a lot lately. Holtzmann has taken their mission to fix their relationship with a very blasé attitude. Well, not blasé. She's participated fully, supported Erin, taken time for herself when she needs it. She just hasn't stopped making jokes the whole time.

Erin wouldn't have it any other way.

" _Hadron!_ " Holtzmann yells, grinning at Erin.

"Oh my god," Erin shakes her head, smiling in spite of herself. "My one is _fergalicious_."

Holtzmann bursts into laughter. " _No_."

Erin just grins back, hugging her girlfriend.

"You're so straight," Holtz whispers in her ear.

Erin flicks her lightly with her pointer finger. "Lucky for you, I'm actually not."

Holtzmann acquiesces to her point, kissing her on the cheek.

***

It takes a while. Months. More than a year. But they stick it out. There's fighting. A lot of fighting. It's easier now that Holtz knows she doesn't have to hurt Erin to get space. A few days after their first session, Holtzmann comes home from dumpster diving to find that Erin has turned the guest bedroom into another bedroom for Holtzmann.

"I just wanted somewhere you can go to have space. I won't interrupt you in here."

There's a beat. Holtzmann is speechless. Erin shifts her feet uncomfortably.

"If you don't like it, I'll just change it back, no biggie." There's a single bed, made up with a duvet that is bright and utterly not Erin. There's a table which has drawers and bins, presumably for bits of metal. There's pictures, a couple with the four of them busting, but none of just Erin and Holtz. There's a strange steampunk lamp that Holtzmann loves.

"Erin?" Holtzmann turns to her girlfriend, her heart too full to even say anything. Her eyes are stinging.

"Yes?" Erin is uncharacteristically silent. No nervous word-vomit.

"I love it. I love you. Thank you for making this work. Thank you thank you thank you." Holtzmann flings her arms around Erin and kisses every part of her head, even her eyebrows. Erin giggles and scrunches up her nose.

"I'm glad you like it," she says.

"Now what's the opposite of _hadron_?" Holtzmann wonders. "Hadroff! Hadroff. Don't stay away. Let's fuck."

Erin bursts into laughter. "I suppose I don't have any previous engagements."

"Good." Holtzmann pulls her into the main bedroom and begins stripping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this, y'all! Hope you enjoyed it <3 I'm probably not going to be too active for a while after this, so sorry :( but hope you're all having a good year and enjoying the political commentary (cough cough Kate McKinnon) of SNL.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this kids. Sorry to put ur faves through this :*


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